Who I Was Becoming: Chapter 43 Analysis
Spoiler Notice: This analysis reveals detailed plot points and character insights from Chapter 43 of A Soul of Ash and Blood. Read on only after you have finished the chapter to avoid spoilers.
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Summary
Hawke wakes from an unusually deep and peaceful sleep, rare for him in decades. A touch on his arm rouses him, and his half-dreaming mind conjures thoughts of Penellaphe, specifically her touch at the Red Pearl, which arouses him. He opens his eyes to find Britta, a chambermaid he had a prior drunken, no-strings encounter with, sitting on his bed. She is clearly interested in repeating their liaison, noting his visible arousal. As she reaches under the sheet, Hawke stops her, gently but firmly removing her hand. He declines her offer, citing the need to start his day. Showering alone, he stares at his reflection, shocked he turned down easy, uncomplicated pleasure. He recognizes his features but no longer recognizes the person he is becoming, a transformation tied inextricably to Penellaphe.
Key Events
- Hawke experiences a rare, fully restful night of sleep.
- He wakes aroused from dreaming of Penellaphe’s touch.
- Britta enters his chambers to clean and attempts to initiate a sexual encounter.
- Hawke physically stops Britta’s advance and refuses her proposition.
- Alone in his bathing chamber, Hawke confronts his reflection, questioning his identity and altered desires.
Character Development
Hawke / Casteel
This chapter marks a profound internal shift for Hawke. His actions directly contradict his established identity as a hedonistic, detached seducer. His rejection of Britta is not strategic; it is instinctive and shocks even him. The narration explicitly links his arousal to Penellaphe, not Britta, but the refusal goes deeper than a simple preference. He experiences a new state of being—sleeping peacefully—which he connects to an “unencumbered” feeling. His final question, “I had no idea who I was…who I was becoming,” reveals that his growing feelings for Poppy are dismantling his long-held self-concept, moving him from a persona of calculated charm toward something genuine and vulnerable.
Britta
Britta serves as a foil in this scene. She represents Hawke’s past pattern of easy, unattached physical relationships. Her forwardness and explicit offer are not portrayed as villainous but as a natural continuation of a mutually understood past. Her presence highlights the magnitude of Hawke’s change by showing what his old life looked like.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
Identity and Transformation The chapter title, “Who I Was Becoming,” is voiced directly by Hawke. His reflection in the mirror is a symbol of fractured identity—he sees familiar golden eyes but does not know the person behind them. Poppy is acting as an unconscious catalyst, eroding the defensive walls of the Prince of Atlantia and forcing the emergence of a more authentic self, one capable of prioritizing emotional connection over physical gratification.
Memory and Unconscious Desire Hawke’s dream state is a crucial motif. He doesn’t simply have a generic erotic dream; his sleeping mind replays specific, sensory memories of Poppy—her tentative touch, her responsive body, her hand in his. This shows that his attachment to her has rooted itself in his unconscious, influencing him even when he is not on guard, and proving that his feelings are not merely a part of his performative “Hawke” persona.
The Restless Past vs. A Peaceful Present Hawke explicitly notes he hasn’t slept so peacefully in decades, having been plagued by nights of cracked ceilings and dredged-up memories. This newfound peace is a direct consequence of his time with Poppy. It symbolizes the healing potential of their connection, contrasting the trauma and restlessness of his past with the “lighter,” “unencumbered” state she unknowingly facilitates.
Why This Chapter Matters
This chapter is a critical turning point in Hawke’s internal arc, providing the clearest evidence yet that his feelings for Poppy are not part of his deception. It isolates the change within him; Poppy is not present, and he gains nothing politically from refusing Britta. The scene functions as a private, honest moment where he must confront a truth: his desire has become exclusive and emotionally rooted. This internal realization sets the stage for his future choices, where his personal feelings will increasingly clash with his mission, making the eventual revelation of his true identity emotionally catastrophic. It shifts the narrative tension from “Will he be discovered?” to “How will he reconcile who he is with who he is becoming?”
Study Questions and Answers
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Why does Hawke refuse Britta’s advance despite his physical arousal? Hawke’s refusal is not due to a lack of physical need but a profound internal change he doesn’t yet fully understand. His arousal was triggered by dreams of Poppy, and his body responds to that specific desire. The encounter with Britta feels incongruent with the person he is becoming—someone whose desires are involuntarily and singularly focused on Poppy. He is shocked by his own action, indicating this was an instinctive, not a calculated, decision.
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How does the author use the mirror at the end of the chapter as a symbol? The mirror symbolizes the fracture in Hawke’s identity. He physically sees his reflection, the “Hawke” persona and Casteel’s golden eyes, but the man staring back is a stranger. This external reflection of a known face juxtaposed with an unknown inner self powerfully visualizes his identity crisis. The mirror forces a moment of raw, solitary self-confrontation where he must acknowledge that his former rules and definitions for himself no longer apply.
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What is the significance of Hawke experiencing a peaceful night of sleep in this chapter? The peaceful sleep is significant because it represents an unsought, positive change directly linked to Poppy. Hawke reveals he hasn’t slept so well in decades, as his nights are usually haunted by past memories. This detail subtly demonstrates that Poppy’s presence has a therapeutic, calming effect on his deeply scarred psyche. The peace she brings him is a new and compelling reason for his attraction, moving beyond physical lust into a need for emotional solace.