Friendship Versus Romance: A First Time for Everything Theme Analysis
Thematic Claim
In A First Time for Everything, the strongest romantic relationships grow from friendship, but a deep platonic bond does not guarantee romantic chemistry. The novel challenges the popular “friends-to-lovers” narrative by showing that Mads must learn to distinguish between the comfort of a reliable friendship and the spark of genuine attraction. Her journey reveals that conflating intimacy with romance can delay true love and that recognizing the difference is a necessary step toward authentic connection.
Part One: The Engine of Expectation
In the first third of the novel, nearly everyone around Mads assumes that her closeness with Connor will inevitably turn romantic. The bridesmaids, her brother Austin, and even Mads’ own fathers encourage the idea that best friends make ideal romantic partners. The external pressure is so strong that Mads internalizes it, believing Connor must be “the one” because he knows her better than anyone.
This expectation reaches its peak when Mads and Connor finally discuss dating in chapter 21. Both admit they have thought about being together, but their conversation is intellectual rather than passionate. Mads compares their potential relationship to the Taylor Swift song “You Belong with Me,” a cultural script she has absorbed but never genuinely felt. When Connor says he would rather date Mads “because you’re my best friend,” the phrasing reveals that their bond is rooted in familiarity, not desire. The novel uses this moment to plant doubt: Mads’ stomach “somersaults” at his confession, but the feeling is anxious excitement, not deep romantic longing.
The field hockey stick serves as a key symbol during this phase. Mads repeatedly calls field hockey her “first love,” a joke that deflects her uncertainty about real relationships. The sport represents a passion she controls fully, unlike the messy emotions surrounding Connor. By clinging to field hockey as her primary commitment, she avoids confronting whether she actually wants a romance with her best friend or simply wants to fulfill the narrative others expect from her.
Part Two: The Test of Trying
When Mads and Connor officially begin dating in chapters 21 and 22, the novel tests the premise that friendship automatically equals romance. Their early dates are comfortable but lack tension. Mads finds herself analyzing moments that should feel romantic—a fingerprint of sauce wiped from Connor’s lip, a hug goodbye—and realizing they provoke no lingering heat.
The episode at Winberie’s Tavern crystallizes the problem. While out with Connor, Mads encounters Marco and feels immediate visceral discomfort. Her “stomach soured” when she hears Marco’s voice, a stark contrast to the platonic ease she feels with Connor. This involuntary physiological reaction signals that Marco affects her on a level Connor never has, even though Marco and Mads have spent far less time together.
The bridesmaid dress symbolically represents the roles Mads accepts without question. She agrees to be a bridesmaid for Austin’s wedding even though she barely knows Katie, just as she agrees to date Connor because everyone tells her it is “right.” In both cases, she suppresses her own uncertainty. The dress costume becomes a metaphor for performing a version of herself that others expect—including the expected girlfriend role.
A crucial turning point occurs when Mads and Connor try to kiss on the back porch in chapter 23. Instead of passion, Mads laughs, and Connor admits he feels no “pull.” The scene is refreshingly honest: both characters recognize that their love for each other is deep but platonic. Connor confesses he will never fall in love with Mads “no matter how much I wish I could.” This mutual acknowledgment, far from destroying their friendship, strengthens it. They are able to drive to their dinner reservation and wink at each other because the pressure is gone. Their relationship does not fail; it clarifies.
Part Three: Recognition and Resolution
After Mads and Connor return to friendship, Mads’ bond with Marco deepens naturally. The crucial difference is that Marco challenges and unsettles her. Where Connor feels like safety, Marco feels like possibility. In chapter 13, Marco tells Mads she is not sweet to him but “sarcastic, clever, flirty.” He sees the parts of her that are not easy or comfortable, and he responds to them rather than smoothing them over.
The farm and horses become the location for Mads’ most honest emotional processing. When she reflects on her relationships, she often does so while tending to the horses or walking the property. The farm represents groundedness and truth—the place where she stops performing for others. After her conversation with Connor on the porch, she thinks of Marco immediately, and the farm setting reinforces that this instinct is authentic, not borrowed from a trope.
Mads and Marco’s relationship develops with a different rhythm than the forced timeline she had with Connor. They take things slow after her ankle surgery, share a quiet snow-on-the-beach moment, and eventually have sex only when Mads feels fully in control and trusting. The scene in chapter 26 emphasizes her agency: she asserts her trust and her readiness, distinguishing this experience from the tentative quasi-romance with Connor.
The parallel story of Austin and Samira reinforces the theme. Austin explains that he and Samira share an “unbreakable bond” that was romantic at times but never meant to last. He knows Katie is his favorite person because he feels “like I was coming home” with her. Austin’s clarity functions as a model for Mads; he teaches her that friendship alone is not enough to sustain love, and that knowing the difference is a sign of maturity, not failure.
Complexity and Contradiction
The novel does not argue that friendship and romance are opposites. Instead, it shows that the boundary between them can be genuinely confusing. Mads is not foolish for wondering if Connor might be her future—he would make a good partner in many ways. The confusion arises because emotional intimacy and romantic chemistry are often tangled in adolescence, and external validation (from family, friends, and culture) makes it hard to trust one’s own feelings.
A contradiction the novel explores is that the same closeness that makes Connor a wonderful friend actually prevents him from becoming Mads’ lover. They are so identical in their habits, so familiar with each other’s routines, that there is no mystery left to discover. Marco, by contrast, is opaque and surprising. He is writing a book he won’t describe; he shows up at unexpected moments; he challenges Mads’ assumptions. The narrative suggests that some degree of otherness is necessary for romantic attraction to take root.
However, the novel also avoids the trap of denigrating friendship. Mads and Connor remain each other’s most important support systems throughout the story. Their ability to laugh together after the failed kiss proves that platonic love is not a consolation prize—it is its own valuable bond. The truth or dare ready set date game, which encourages risk-taking, applies just as much to friendship as to romance. Mads takes a risk by being honest with Connor, and that courage preserves their friendship rather than destroying it.
Study Questions and Answers
1. How does Mads’ relationship with field hockey illuminate her confusion between friendship and romance? Field hockey is Mads’ “first love,” a safe passion she controls completely. When she deflects questions about dating by referencing field hockey, she reveals that she is unsure what romantic love feels like and uses a known passion as a placeholder. The sport represents a substitute for the emotional vulnerability that real romance requires.
2. Why does the novel include Austin and Samira’s past relationship as a parallel to Mads and Connor? Austin and Samira’s friendship demonstrates that even a powerful bond can remain platonic when romantic timing or connection is absent. Austin’s explanation that Samira is not his “favorite person” provides Mads with a vocabulary for understanding her own feelings about Connor. The parallel shows that the friend-to-lover script is not inevitable, and that recognizing the limit of friendship is part of growing up.
3. What does Connor’s inability to kiss Mads reveal about the nature of their relationship? Connor’s lack of desire to kiss Mads, despite sincerely loving her, reveals that their intimacy is rooted in comfort rather than passion. The scene shows that physical chemistry does not automatically follow emotional closeness. By admitting this, Connor demonstrates more self-awareness than most characters in the friends-to-lovers trope, allowing both of them to move forward honestly.
4. How does the setting of the farm contribute to Mads’ thematic realization? The farm is where Mads processes her most honest thoughts, often while alone with the horses. It is removed from the social pressure of family dinners, weddings, and bridal showers. Mads finds clarity there about what she actually wants. The farm functions as a space where performance falls away and her genuine feelings can surface.
5. Does the novel ultimately argue that friendship is inferior to romance? No. The novel argues that friendship and romance are different kinds of love, each valuable. Mads and Connor preserve their friendship and remain essential to each other. The story criticizes the cultural pressure to convert all deep friendships into romantic relationships. Mads’ growth lies in learning to appreciate both bonds without ranking them.