Cultural and Family Expectations: The Weight of Others’ Standards in I Hope This Finds You Well

Thematic Claim: The Cost of Meeting Expectations

In I Hope This Finds You Well, the pressure to conform to Persian cultural expectations—particularly around marriage, career success, and family reputation—drives both Jolene Smith and Armin Habib into a spiral of lies and self‑concealment. This theme explores how parental disappointment and the need to maintain social standing within the Persian community force characters to construct elaborate falsehoods, ultimately exacting a heavy emotional toll. The novel suggests that living for others’ approval is unsustainable, and that true fulfillment requires breaking free from inherited scripts.

Scene 1: Dinner with the Aunties (Chapter 8)

Jolene’s dinner with her mother and the “aunties” at House of Shiraz is the novel’s earliest extended look at cultural expectation. The aunties—Miriam, Roya, Parvin—treat Jolene’s unmarried status and lack of a high‑status career as personal failures. Roya boasts about her daughter Fereshteh (“line around the block” for suitors), while Parvin asks if Jolene is still a secretary. To protect her mother’s reputation among the community, Jolene lies about an impending promotion. Her mother, Leila, adds her own embellishments, claiming Jolene is “very successful at her job” and about to receive a supervisory position.

This scene demonstrates the interconnected nature of family honor: Jolene’s perceived failings reflect on Leila, who already lost her social standing in the Horticulture Society after Jolene’s earlier troubles. The aunties’ criticisms are framed as loving concern (“We just need to show people how pretty you are”), but the effect is suffocating. Jolene’s only escape is to fantasize about leaving the restaurant, yet she knows that losing her job would force her to move back in with her mother—a prospect that terrifies her. The chapter reveals that cultural expectations are not merely external pressures; they have been internalized by both mother and daughter, creating a cycle of shame and pretense.

Scene 2: The Fake Engagement (Chapters 20, 37, 40)

The second major plot arc tied to this theme is the fake engagement between Jolene and Armin. Initially a small lie to satisfy Armin’s dying mother’s wish to see him settled, the deception quickly escalates. In Chapter 20, Jolene meets Armin’s parents and is forced to maintain the fiction that she is a computer engineering student (while actually lying about her studies). The pressure intensifies in Chapter 37 when both mothers meet at a bakery and launch into a “taarof‑off”—a competitive display of Persian politeness and generosity. The moms plan a lavish engagement party reminiscent of a royal wedding, pushing the couple deeper into their lies.

The term “taarof” is explicitly defined: a cultural custom of one‑upping politeness, where one must decline payment three times, give away a complimented bracelet, and never walk through a door ahead of an elder. The novel uses this concept to illustrate how family expectations are ritualized and difficult to resist. Both mothers are genuinely excited, and Jolene and Armin cannot bear to disappoint them—especially since Armin’s mother is seriously ill. The lie becomes a trap: the longer they maintain it, the harder it is to undo without devastating both families. The chapter ends with the couple deciding to postpone the truth, buying pastries instead of confrontations.

Scene 3: Rhonda’s Secret (Chapter 35)

A parallel thread appears in Rhonda Staples’s story. In the bathroom, Rhonda reveals to Jolene that her son is in trouble with the law, and she is caught between enabling him and wishing he would go to jail. Rhonda’s anguish echoes the parental disappointment theme: “I’m not allowed to have him stay with me, help him. That’s enabling, apparently. But my son’s still sick.” Unlike the Persian cultural context, Rhonda’s expectation is purely maternal love and fear—yet she too feels she has failed. Her isolation (“I lost all my friends”) mirrors Leila’s loss of the Horticulture Society. Rhonda and Jolene share a moment of connection, and Jolene whispers, “You’re not alone.” This scene complicates the theme by showing that family expectations are not limited to one culture; they are a universal human burden, though expressed differently.

Character and Symbol Connections

Jolene embodies the pressure to be the “good Persian daughter” while failing to meet that ideal. Her white‑font emails (white font emails) symbolize hidden truths—she can express her anger only invisibly. Armin is the “doodool tala” (golden penis), a mama’s boy whose lies grow because he cannot bear to hurt his ailing mother. Both characters initially lie to protect their families from shame, but the lies take on a life of their own.

Symbols reinforce the theme: donuts and milkshakes appear as small comforts (Jolene shoves a danmarki after lying to Armin’s parents; the final “milkshakes” text with Cliff signals a new, honest connection). The zebra Mr. Barcode and other office quirks represent the absurdity of performing roles. The title itself—a sugar‑coated corporate nicety—underscores the theme of saying one thing while meaning another.

Complexity and Contradiction

The novel does not paint family expectations as purely negative. The aunties’ meddling is also a form of love; Leila’s bragging is her way of protecting Jolene. Armin’s mother’s joy at the engagement is genuine, even though it is built on a lie. The tragedy is that these cultural pressures, rooted in community and care, become suffocating when they cannot accommodate individual choices. Jolene’s eventual path—becoming a youth counselor, studying to help others—does not fulfill traditional Persian expectations, yet it leads to genuine fulfillment. The ending implies that breaking free from others’ standards does not mean rejecting family, but rather redefining the relationship on one’s own terms.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does the “taarof” custom function as both a social bond and a source of conflict in the novel?

Taarof creates a framework for politeness and generosity, binding the Persian community. Yet in the bakery scene, it escalates the fake engagement into an elaborate, expensive party that neither Jolene nor Armin wants. The custom traps them because they cannot refuse without appearing rude or ungrateful, forcing them to continue the deception.

2. Compare Jolene’s relationship with her mother to Rhonda’s with her son. What does each reveal about parental disappointment?

Both mothers feel they have failed—Leila because Jolene is not married or in a prestigious job; Rhonda because her son is involved in crime. Yet Leila’s disappointment is tied to community standing and cultural norms, while Rhonda’s is personal and focused on her son’s wellbeing. Both characters must learn to love their children without imposing their own expectations.

3. Why do Jolene and Armin decide to maintain the engagement lie even when it becomes damaging?

They fear causing heartbreak—especially to Armin’s dying mother—and they are ashamed of their initial deception. The lie has already brought joy to both families, and they lack the courage to shatter that illusion. The novel shows that the longer a lie persists, the more complicated it becomes to untangle.

4. In what ways does the setting of the corporate office mirror the pressures of family expectations?

At Supershops Inc., Jolene must perform professional competence while hiding her anxiety and resentment. The surveillance software, the white‑font emails, and the mandatory training all represent systems of control and judgment—parallel to the aunties’ scrutiny. Both environments demand conformity and punish deviation.

5. How does Jolene’s journey from lying to honesty reflect the novel’s stance on cultural expectations?

Jolene begins by lying to protect herself and her mother, but the lies isolate her. By the end, she admits her failures (to herself, to Cliff, to Caitlin) and pursues a career in youth counseling—a path she chooses, not one imposed on her. The novel suggests that authenticity, even when it disappoints others, is the only way to find peace.