Treat Her Right, While She’s Still Here Summary
⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.
Summary
Chapter 9 is a single, brief poem. The speaker reflects on a painful irony: before her mother knew she was a lesbian, her mother raised her to be a man’s wife. The chapter condenses a lifetime of unspoken expectations into a few lines. It marks a moment when the speaker recognizes the gap between the role her mother envisioned for her and the life she actually lives. The title, “Treat Her Right, While She’s Still Here,” hints at advice a man might receive about how to treat a woman, yet the poem centers on the speaker’s own story of being shaped for a path she will not take.
Key Events
- The speaker states that her mother prepared her to be a man’s wife.
- This preparation occurred before the mother learned of her daughter’s lesbian identity.
- The poem ends without resolution, leaving the tension between expectation and reality hanging.
Character Development
- The Speaker (Narrator): Gains a new awareness of how her mother’s love was expressed through traditional domestic preparation. The poem captures a quiet but sharp realization about the limits of her mother’s knowledge at the time.
- The Mother: Though not directly present, her actions are described. She represents a parent who lovingly prepares her child for the life she assumes the child will lead, without knowing the child’s true identity.
Themes, Symbols, or Motifs
- Parental Expectations vs. Personal Identity: The central tension of the chapter is the mother’s investment in a heterosexual marriage for her daughter versus the daughter’s reality as a lesbian.
- Heteronormativity: The mother’s preparation reflects a societal default that assumes a woman will marry a man.
- Hidden Identity: The phrase “before my mother knew I was a lesbian” underscores that the speaker’s sexuality was not yet disclosed or recognized.
- Domestic Preparation as Symbol: Being groomed to be “a man’s wife” symbolizes the traditional roles the speaker’s mother valued.
Why This Chapter Matters
Although only four lines long, Chapter 9 is a turning point in the collection. It crystallizes the emotional core of the speaker’s relationship with her mother: a loving upbringing that unknowingly aimed at a life the speaker would never lead. This poem sets up later explorations of family, coming out, and the redefinition of self beyond inherited roles. It shows that even well-intentioned parenting can create a rift when a child’s identity is not visible to the parent.
Study Questions and Answers
1. Why does the speaker note that her mother prepared her “before” knowing she was a lesbian?
Answer: The timing emphasizes that the mother’s actions were based on ignorance of her daughter’s true identity. The preparation was well-meaning but misaligned, rooted in assumptions rather than knowledge.
2. How does the title “Treat Her Right, While She’s Still Here” connect to the poem?
Answer: The title sounds like advice given to a man about how to behave toward a woman. By placing this title over a poem about a mother preparing her daughter for marriage, the poet creates irony: the “her” in the title could refer to the mother herself or the daughter, and the instruction to treat her right becomes a layered plea.
3. In what way does this chapter challenge the idea of a “good” upbringing?
Answer: The chapter suggests that a loving mother who raises her daughter according to traditional values may still fail to see and affirm her daughter’s authentic self. The preparation for marriage, though intended as love, becomes a source of dissonance when the daughter’s identity does not fit that mold.