Becoming Oneself: Identity and Self-Discovery in Big Time

The Fragile Quest for a True Self

In Big Time, Jen Spyra presents identity as a precarious construction—partly chosen, partly imposed by society, and often shattered by trauma or time. The characters repeatedly confront the question: Who am I when the labels, memories, and performances are stripped away? Through Ruby Russell’s time-traveling identity crisis, an amnesiac boyfriend-for-hire, and a pig drowning in student debt, the book argues that self-discovery requires both a reckoning with one’s past and the courage to act against ingrained scripts.

Three Journeys Through Identity

Ruby Russell: From Survival to Redemption

Ruby Russell begins her story as a ruthless orphan who claws her way to Hollywood by exploiting others. Her identity is a weapon: she adopts the persona of "The Mouth," using sex and cunning to climb. When she time-travels from 1942 to 2021, this persona collapses. She must learn an entirely new social lexicon—LGBTQIA, BIPOC, sex workers, “people experiencing homelessness”—and the lesson that “words matter.” The sensitivity training forces her to see how her old labels caused harm (as when she mocked a disabled boy as “Gimpy” until Bobbi corrected her). This new knowledge doesn't instantly transform her; she still falls back on Bravo TV shows and old jokes about Puerto Rican midgets. Her self-discovery is gradual and incomplete, peaking when she returns to 1942 and rushes to apologize to her orphanage friend Bobbi. By choosing to make amends, she moves from a performative identity of selfish ambition toward a more authentic self built on accountability.

The Amnesiac of “The Boyfriend Identity”

In chapter 11, a man with no memory of his past discovers a box labeled “+1” containing cash, fake IDs, and photos of himself with dozens of different women. He learns he is a paid boyfriend—“Mike,” “Ben,” “Dave,” “Dan”—a product of the Plus One Project. His identity is entirely manufactured: his empathy, his erotic stamina, his preference for kombucha and crunchy grapes are all programmed. When he escapes Imogen’s organization, he struggles to make even simple choices, like ordering buffalo wings instead of a quinoa bowl. His self-discovery comes not from remembering his past but from forming a genuine friendship with Joy. In the diner, he says, “I’ve never had a girl…friend.” That small realization—that he can be John rather than a scripted boyfriend—marks the beginning of authentic identity.

Mr. Mittlebury: The Pig with Student Debt

Mr. Mittlebury is a 34-year-old pig still living with his parents, crippled by a $94,000 student loan. He uses lullabies and masturbation to calm his anxiety, a shameful habit he hides from everyone. His identity is defined by debt, failure, and the expectations of his brother David. During his improv show, David triggers an erection by whistling a lullaby, and Mr. Mittlebury is forced to confess his coping mechanism onstage. Rather than hide, he turns the confession into a joke, transforming the number 94,000 “from a source of shame into a feeling of triumph.” Self-discovery here means accepting vulnerability. The pig does not erase his debt or his habit; he reframes them as part of his story, reclaiming power over his own label.

Symbols of Constructed Identity

The Plus One Project literalizes identity as a commodity. The protagonist is assembled from prefabricated traits—favorite yogurt, kombucha brand, anniversary gift budgets—turning romance into a service. The Bridal Body Training Program reduces women to temporary physical perfection for marriage, a brutal seven-year sculpting that vanishes as soon as rejection hits. The number 94,000 shifts from a crushing burden to a triumphant number when Mr. Mittlebury redefines it. Monster Goo—the venomous retractable penises of the Women’s Underground Resistance Consortium in chapter 12—represents a hidden, monstrous potential that women repress until the moment of liberation. Each symbol shows that identity is something we wear, perform, or weaponize, rarely something we simply are.

Complexity and Contradiction

Spyra resists a tidy resolution. Ruby’s apology to Bobbi may be genuine, but her entire character has been built on hustling; can she truly change, or is this just another performance? The amnesiac boyfriend finds a friend but still has no memory of who he was—is his new self any more real than the old scripts? Mr. Mittlebury triumphs onstage, but his student debt remains unpaid; the system that shamed him is unchanged. The book suggests that self-discovery is not a destination but a continuous negotiation between the roles we inherit and the ones we choose. Even the Women’s Club, despite their monstrous power, cannot agree on whether to attack men or negotiate, revealing that identity is endlessly contested, even among allies.

Study Questions and Answers

1. How does Ruby’s time travel function as a tool for self-discovery?
   Answer: It strips away her familiar world, forcing her to confront how her past labels (like “Crate Girl” or “Marlene’s autograph”) shaped her identity. The collision with 2021 norms makes her re-evaluate her cruelty, culminating in her apology to Bobbi—a choice that signals a shift from survival to accountability.

2. In “The Boyfriend Identity,” what does the Plus One box reveal about identity?
   Answer: The box shows identity is manufactured: cash for anniversaries, fake IDs, and scripts for behavior. The protagonist’s crisis is that he cannot distinguish his programmed responses from genuine desire. His self-discovery begins when he makes a decision (ordering wings) and forms an unscripted friendship with Joy.

3. Why is the number 94,000 a symbol of identity for Mr. Mittlebury?
   Answer: The number represents his student debt, which initially defines him as a failure. By publicly embracing his shameful habit and reframing the number as “triumph,” he reclaims his identity from the external label of debt.

4. How does the Bridal Body Training Program critique social expectations of identity?
   Answer: The program reduces women to temporary physical perfection for marriage, erasing their individual selves. After seven years, the narrator returns to find her fiancé married; her body atrophies immediately, showing that identity based on external validation is fragile and unsustainable.

5. What contradiction does the secret women’s club reveal about group identity?
   Answer: The women share a monstrous trait (the venomous penis) and a common enemy, but they cannot agree on strategy, revealing that even oppressed groups are fractured by internal disagreements. Identity as a group label does not erase individual differences.