Chapter 64: Noor Comes to Terms with Her Feelings

⚠️ Spoiler Warning: This guide contains detailed spoilers for the entire novel. Proceed only if you've finished reading or are comfortable knowing the plot.

Summary

Noor begins the chapter in a state of cold, fresh anger toward Salahudin after his destructive actions and imprisonment. She tells herself they are done, but her memory undermines her resolve—she recalls his rage at Chachu for hurting her, his gaze when she laughed, and the bond she shared with him and Misbah. Over weeks, the anger dissolves and is replaced by questions: Is he sleeping? Is he safe? Has he changed? Does he think of her?

She starts sending him books. In her mind, she imagines him walking beside her through Los Angeles—accompanying her to work-study, to organic chemistry class, to her first English essay, first rock concert with Neelum, Christmas break with Khadija and Shafiq, and even to a summer internship. When Khadija tells her that Chachu has been arrested for domestic violence against Brooke, Noor cries without fully understanding why, and in her imagination, Salahudin holds her hands. The next day she visits UCLA’s counseling center and makes her first therapy appointment. When Chachu receives only probation and anger management, Noor imagines Salahudin taking her to a kickboxing class to vent her fury.

Yet she does not write to the real Salahudin, nor he to her. She visits him only in her mind. She reflects on the terrible things she said to him the day he told her she got into UCLA, and she understands that forgiveness must flow both ways. She dates other boys but none make her forget him.

Late one night in sophomore year, she hears “Turn” by The Wombats on a playlist. Between the first and tenth listen, she admits to herself that she does not want any other boy. She wants only Salahudin—his arms, his lips, his voice, his laugh, his body. But she still asks herself: But you’re done with him. Right?

Key Events

• Noor’s initial anger toward Salahudin slowly fades as memories of their connection resurface.
• She begins sending him books while he is in prison, but there is no direct correspondence.
• Noor mentally imagines Salahudin accompanying her through dozens of real-life moments over months and years.
• Khadija informs Noor that Chachu has been arrested for hitting Brooke; Noor breaks down and later seeks therapy.
• Chachu receives only probation and anger management; Noor channels her rage through kickboxing.
• Noor reflects on her own hurtful words to Salahudin and acknowledges that he must forgive her too.
• After dating other boys without success, Noor experiences an epiphany while listening to “Turn” by The Wombats: she only wants Salahudin.

Character Development

Noor undergoes a deep emotional arc in this chapter. She starts locked in cold anger, but her own memory softens her stance. Her decision to send books is an act of care, even though she refuses direct contact. By imagining Salahudin constantly beside her, she keeps him emotionally present. Her reaction to Chachu’s arrest shows that unresolved trauma and guilt still shape her feelings—crying without understanding why, then taking concrete steps toward therapy. Her admission that she said “terrible things” reveals self-awareness and a recognition that she, too, needs forgiveness. The epiphany with the song marks the moment her denial collapses: she acknowledges her desire for Salahudin explicitly.

Salahudin is present only in Noor’s imagination and memory, but his imagined self becomes a steady, supportive figure—encouraging her, holding her, taking her to kickboxing. This imagined version reflects the boy Noor knows he can be, separate from his mistakes.

Khadija and Shafiq remain caring presences in Noor’s life, though they never bring up Salahudin. Neelum is a friend who introduces Noor to new experiences. Chachu appears briefly as a source of continued pain; his light sentence frustrates Noor. Brooke is mentioned only as Chachu’s victim.

Themes, Symbols, and Motifs

Memory and the erosion of anger. Noor explicitly says her memory “eats at the edges” of her anger. The more she recalls the good moments—his protective rage, his laugh, her bond with Misbah—the less she can hold onto her resentment.

Imagination as a coping mechanism. Noor constructs an elaborate fantasy of Salahudin beside her through daily life, from classes to concerts to therapy. This imagined presence allows her to process her feelings without the risk of real contact, and it keeps their connection alive even when she claims to be done.

Music as a catalyst for emotional revelation. Two songs mark shifts in Noor’s state: U2’s “With or Without You” foreshadows her eventual understanding of ambiguous longing, and The Wombats’ “Turn” triggers the full confession to herself. Music has been a recurring thread throughout Noor’s story (e.g., her shared playlist with Salahudin), and here it serves as the key to unlocking her hidden desires.

Forgiveness as a two-way street. Noor reflects that she not only must forgive Salahudin, but he must forgive her for the “terrible things” she said. This insight matures the novel’s treatment of forgiveness, showing it is not one-sided.

Recovery and self-care. Noor’s visit to the counseling center and her kickboxing class represent active steps toward healing her trauma and anger. The chapter portrays emotional recovery as a gradual, sometimes confusing process that involves both professional help and physical release.

Why This Chapter Matters

This chapter is a turning point for Noor’s internal journey. After months (and in the narrative, roughly two years) of denial, she finally admits to herself that she wants Salahudin and that her anger has been a defense. It lays the groundwork for any possible reconciliation between the two protagonists. The parallel between Noor’s healing (therapy, kickboxing) and Salahudin’s imprisonment suggests both characters are separately working toward change. The chapter also closes Noor’s long phase of solitude, setting the stage for her to act on her feelings in the final portion of the book.

Study Questions and Answers

1. What causes Noor’s anger to fade, and what replaces it?
   Answer: Her own memories of the good times with Salahudin—his protective rage against Chachu, his laugh, and the “club” she had with him and Misbah—gradually erode her anger. It is replaced by anxious questions about his well-being and whether he has changed, as well as an imaginative companion who accompanies her through daily life.

2. How does music function in this chapter to reveal Noor’s feelings?
   Answer: The chapter uses two songs. “With or Without You” by U2 initially seems ambiguous to Noor, but she later “gets it”—the song’s indecision mirrors her own conflict about wanting Salahudin yet being unable to be with him. Later, “Turn” by The Wombats, after repeated listening, breaks through her denial, leading her to explicitly acknowledge that she only wants Salahudin.

3. Why is it significant that Noor imagines Salahudin taking her to a kickboxing class after Chachu’s light sentence?
   Answer: The imagined kickboxing class shows that Noor associates Salahudin with a healthy outlet for her rage—physical release rather than destructive repression. It also suggests that even in fantasy, she sees him as supportive of her healing, which contrasts with the real-world silence between them. This moment underscores that her love for him is tied to the belief that he can be a positive force in her life.